Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.