Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.