Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.