You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”