Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.