Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.