Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.