I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes