Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.