We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.