I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.