Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.