If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?