Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.