Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?