@unravelingfire

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

@unravelingfire

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

@unravelingfire

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

@unravelingfire

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@unravelingfire

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

@unravelingfire

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED