Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED