People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.