*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious