*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.