[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!