I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.