What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
LOL
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.