I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My plans: 2020:
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
the rocks need my help
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Nothing to do, you say?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now