DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
He a real one for that
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
idk what he going thru but i feel him