If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My ideal weight is five million dollars
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.