Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.