“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
welp
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.