Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You Might Also Like
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
A roof is a house hat.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody