Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison