Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril