‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
These are my roll models.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
…..pretty much.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.