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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I think this should do it.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.