When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God