@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@vikkaroni

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@vikkaroni

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@vikkaroni

You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

@vikkaroni

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.