Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical