My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*