[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.