Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!