I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.