Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
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Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.