[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.