*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,