Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
You Might Also Like
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
@ candidates for local office
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
me and the Superbowl rn
There is no “ea” in Tim.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
damn he’s good
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T