Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You Might Also Like
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now