DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.