I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Me My dog
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.