I’m sorry…what?
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“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
i did the math
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!