Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The new Ring movie looks terrifying