Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*