One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
opening twitter today
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.