[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Rooting for the overdog
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.