He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.